The Alternative XI 2006/07

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the ‘HBH’ Tw**table XI, the alternative to the PFA Team Of The Year, a celebration to the finest ****s in the Premiership who have irritated and annoyed fans up and down the country during the last 9 months. Without further ado, I present the Tw**table XI:

GK: Jussi Jaaskelainen (Bolton Wanderers)
True to form, Jaaskelainen continued his fine moaning form this year, whinging about every decision on the pitch and even having digs at Rafa Benitez in the press for questioning Bolton’s style of play. A hypocrite as well- moaned at the referee for allowing Reina to time waste in this season’s game at Anfield when the scruffy Finn was doing it right from the off before Steven Gerrard opened the scoring. Looks like a tramp as well.

RB: Gary Neville (Manchester United)
It had to be didn’t it? Nobody else ran everybody’s favourite Mancunian close enough to make it into the XI. Neville was his usual loathsome self during the campaign and moaned like a bitch in the press about United’s measly two European Cup wins before the AC Milan game and vowed that they’d “put it right.”

CB: Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United)
Not just content with being the most overrated footballer on the planet, Ferdinand is also staking his claim to be the biggest gobshite on the planet. The epitomy of the typical modern day footballer and in general, a brain-dead ignorant ****.

CB: Alan Stubbs (Everton)
Everybody’s favourite parrot-faced **** cemented his place in the XI with his usual bitter jibes around the time of the derby- all the usual stuff about how every Liverpool fan comes from Oslo and moaned like a bitch when Benitez made the “small club” remark despite taking numerous pot shots against ourselves down the years. He’s shit as well.

LB: Ashley Cole (Chelsea)
“Cashley” as he has now been dubbed firmly established himself as a female genitalia this year when he shit on Arsenal (his boyhood club) for the sake of 5k to join Chelsea at the start of the season. Despite rumours being unconfirmed about the extra 5k being used to buy a few more mobile phones, Cole still proved himself to be **** with a horrible tacky Footballer’s Wives weddings and seems to think he’s God’s gift to the left-back position when, like most of his England colleagues, he’s an overrated ****.

RW: Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United)
After making himself one of the most twattable figures at the last World Cup, the boy “made England look shite” carried on his form into the Premiership this year making himself look like a bigger female genitalia than he ever has before. Horrible little scumbag and the fact that somebody like him has such a talent proves that God likes a laugh.

CM: Michael Brown (Fulham)
A surprise choice given he edged out Fat Frank into this team, Brown couldn’t go ignored largely for being a shithouse for 9 months with some shocking challenges. Not content with having the footballing ability of a bag of shite, Brown was determined to make the headlines through a series of shithouse challenges throughout the year, culminating in the cowardly head butt on Xabi Alonso. In short, a female genitalia.

CM: Francesc Fabregas (Arsenal)
Has stolen Paul Scholes’ title of being the shithouse that is largely ignored by fans and the media, but young Fabregas demonstrated a twatness throughout 06/07 that belies his tender years. Always whining to the ref and leaving his foot in in tackles as well as being an antagonistic female genitalia, Fabregas’ crowning glory of the season came when he spat his dummy out after Blackburn played for a 0-0 draw at the Emirates. Well boo hoo.

LW: Mikel Arteta (Everton)
Some would argue that Arteta isn’t that much of a **** but really, that’s like saying that Stalin “wasn’t such a bad person.” The “only Spaniard we know” demonstrated his bitter credentials with a jibe of how he’s never met a Scouse Liverpool fan, despite the builder working on his house proving the contrary by wearing his shirt to work every day. The tight arse even had a cheek to argue over the bill, allegedly. Proved himself to be a **** with some snidy challenges in the derby as well.

CF: Andy Johnson (Everton)
“Honest AJ” makes this XI on the basis that he’s a loathsome little turd. A Norwich fan in my work despises him as much as me and says that “AJ” has been diving for penalties for years in the lower leagues but is only getting coverage for it now. Came out with the following statement “I want to score so why would I dive?” Errrmmm… because you take the penalties you helmet. Actually physically looks like a penis as well. Draw a little dot on top of his head and you’ll see what I mean.

CF: Thierry Henry (Arsenal)
The surprise choice over the consistently twattish Didier Drogba but Henry’s twatness shone through this year. Following on from his whinge after the Champions League final last year, Henry continued his twattable form with the invention of that annoying dancing celebration with Emmanuel Ade-can’tscore. Went down in my estimation as well for shushing the Kop on Truth Day and had another moan when Arsenal got knocked out of Europe. Something about PSV having only two chances in both games. *rubs thumb and finger together* Well this is the world’s smallest violin playing just for Thierry Henry.

Manager: Slur Alex Ferguson (Manchester United)
A classic return to form for English football’s Premier pisshead. Came out with the usual unsavoury remarks this season about opponents and even claimed that Liverpool fans were wishing him good luck. Maybe wishing him good luck in the Betty Ford Clinic perhaps… Seems to have gone camp all of a sudden- celebrates every goal with a gay little mince that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Carry On film.

So there you have it- the Premiership Tw**table XI. Roll on to next season where players will have a chance to show their credentials and earn a spot in next year’s XI.

Until next year then…

HBH, aka Hand Ball Henchoz